The Best We Can

This is raw but I needed to just get it out. I couldn't keep reading it over and over to edit... Please have grace with me.

I feel like a failure as a mother.

 Logically I know it’s not true but our hearts and minds often pull us in different directions and now is most assuredly one of those times for me. I have two boys, 11 and 13. Colin, my 11 year old, loves robotics, music and aerial arts. Caleb, my 13 year old, loves sports and video games. Their personalities are like night and day but they’re both incredible young men with enormous hearts.

I was lucky as a young mom. Both boys started sleeping for 6ish hours through the night at around 6 weeks old. They were great toddlers and never got into too much trouble. I really was blessed with healthy, smart, caring children. Being a mom to two great kiddos and gliding through most of elementary school was so easy and satisfying… until it wasn’t. About 4 years ago when Caleb was in 4^th grade things started to change: just little things at first. Caleb would refuse to work in school. He escalated to outward disrespect toward me and his teachers. Grades started slipping and he was constantly in trouble both at home and school for being defiant. Things only got progressively worse: fights, talking back, flat out refusal to do anything he didn’t want to. There were punishments of every type and recommendation. Over the years I’ve done more research on parenting a preteen than anything else. Nothing has worked. Home life was an everyday game of Russian roulette. What am I walking into when I get home? I’d dread the fights I knew were inevitable if Caleb had homework assigned that night or if he had a chore that needed to be done. Even getting him to brush his teeth before bed was a thought that gave me intense anxiety. I was crying most nights and reading every article I could get my hands on regarding defiant adolescents. I was always trying new strategies and taking advice from people I respect as parents. I lived a life of constant self-doubt and was always questioning what it was I was doing wrong.  Why is nothing working? What am I missing?

The boys had always been in some type of sports and had coaches they could look up to but since I hadn’t been in a relationship since my divorce from their dad I knew they needed good male role models in their lives. I signed both boys up with the Big Brother Big Sister program and they were matched with amazing men. Each of my boys were matched with someone who fit their individual personalities and interest exactly. These men have been so helpful over the years. They give the boys a listening ear, let them escape from reality for a bit and offer wisdom and advice. They and their families have also become friends of mine and I can’t say enough good things about this program and the level of detail that goes into making sure phenomenal matches are made.    

Around 2 years ago the boy’s dad, who has been living in Az. the previous 4 years, moved back to Indiana with his girlfriend and their toddler to live a couple hours south of us with the girlfriend’s mom. When he quit his job and moved I stopped receiving child support so when he found a job here I filed paperwork with my lawyer to get that started again and was surprised with a counter-claim for full custody of the boys under the accusation I was an unfit mother. One of the accusations was related to a gun and because of this an investigation was required. A guardian ad litem was assigned and the investigation ruled in my favor confirming, among other things, my weapons were secure and the boys were in no danger of mishandling them. While I would have confirmed handling everything in the courts and leaving the boys out of it, Caleb had to be interviewed and in addition their dad chose to tell the boys they would probably be moving to live with him instead of me. Both boys, having only seen their dad part of the summers for the last 4 years and of course wanting to be closer to their dad, were excited for the possibility. Caleb, having had so many disciplinary actions over the previous couple years, was already at the point of telling me would be happier with his dad than he was with me. Colin was so excited that in class he showed everyone the website of the new school he ‘would’ be attending. I received a very confused message from his principal since Colin had been so excited about being selected to be a part of the Lego Robotics team the next year. After explaining the situation and thanking her for the heads up about what was happening in his precious head I cried. I cried for my kiddo who was so confused about what was happening in his life. When the GAL finally submitted her recommendation that the boys stay with me there was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders but things didn’t get any better. Not too long before the courts made their decision I got a call from Colin’s Big Brother. He explained, After I picked up Colin he made the remark that he and Caleb were at the house alone because his mom has to work.  I said back to him that yeah that is just the way the world is because you have to work to pay your bills and put food on the table.  He said his mom didn't have bills to pay.  I asked what he meant by that and he said she just spends her money on herself going out every night to bars and drinking.  He said I should take a look at his shoes and that she had never spent more than $20 on a pair of shoes for him.  I said that he has to know how much his mom loves him and he said that she didn't love him as much as his dad did.  He said he wanted to live with his dad.  I said that I knew he would miss his mom.  He didn't seem so sure about that and said his dad misses him more.  He also said that his mom screws over his dad all the time.  This was the first that I had ever heard anything like that from him. In my many hours with him he seemed perfectly happy with his home life. I had only asked a few questions about his dad in the past and he seemed reluctant to say anything at all about him and I did not push any further.

Realizing this was extremely out of character, I was contacted right away. My first thought was that he must be hearing these things somewhere and if he’s hearing them so is Caleb. That was the day I started searching for an adolescent therapist. To be honest I had already considered getting Caleb in to talk to someone but I hadn’t expected Colin to express such strong hostility. I guess that’s when Colin started spiraling into deep emotions that an eight year old couldn’t possibly start to conquer. Over the next 2 years Caleb became more hostile and defiant and Colin more hurt and full of emotions that ended up manifesting in anger, self-doubt and at times, complete shut downs. At the beginning of this school year things escalated in our lives.

The summer held less expectations and there was less room for defiance. Once school started Caleb started getting into fights and refusing to do work in class. Colin, over the course of a few months hid from classmates and staff in the coat closet, hid in the bathroom and was so overwhelmed with anxiety and emotion that he scratched his arms with his fingernails until there were visible marks. Caleb’s aggression at home branched out more, effecting Colin on a more regular basis. Bullying and picking started happening every day, every encounter and Caleb fed on the perceived power. Colin retreated into himself more every day and hated when Caleb was around. Nothing I did made any difference and my heart sank as I watched Colin turn into a shell of the wonderfully vibrant, sweet child he was only months before. Caleb became lost in the body of this angry teenager i barely recognized. A couple months later I received a call from Colin’s school that there was an incident. He had asked kids at his lunch table if they had ever heard of ways that people killed themselves. A part of me broke that day. It’s the first time I felt real fear and didn’t have an action to take to make things safe. Then came the pain and sadness and absolute helplessness. I walked in my bosses office which was the closest room with a door and just cried. You guys, I work with some of the best people I’ve ever known. That poor man, who’s office I had just about run into, stopped what he was doing, took his hands off his keyboard and let me cry. When I was finally done he left me with advice that allowed me to walk out of there calm and sane and I am forever grateful for his patience and understanding. That night I talked to Colin about what had happened and he told me about a dream he had the night before. He was running through a large room filled with fire breathing robots. There were large pools of water where him and his friends had to hide to get away from the fire. He had to stay under water to survive but in the process he drowned. After some discussion he admitted to me that this (to him) was suicide. We talked some more and had some good cuddles and when he had his appointment with his counselor the next day I told her what had happened. The boys had been seeing this counselor for quite and while but unfortunately things weren’t improving. After the boy’s individual sessions, she met with the boys together and then just with me. She told me I needed to take Colin to Epworth Mental Health Center immediately. I was shocked. I knew we were going through a rough time but I didn’t think things were that bad. She told me she had asked Colin if he could promise her he wouldn’t hurt himself and he only cried and wouldn’t answer. When she spoke with me she told me the boys issues were my fault and it wouldn’t have gotten this bad had I just let them live with their dad and she should really call him herself since she thought Colin was in danger of hurting himself but she didn’t have his number. When I asked if he said how he was going to hurt himself she said she should have asked but didn’t. When we left there I started going towards my moms house to drop Caleb off so I could give Colin my full attention and on the way I called my best friend who works in the mental health field  and explained what happened. She let me know Epworth didn’t take kids who were under 13 and I, while freaking out even more, called the counselors office. She was already gone for the evening and no one had a number to get in touch with her. My friend made some calls to find me the best place to go, called my mom for me to explain what was happening and let her know i’d be dropping Caleb off and helped me keep focus while tears were streaming down my face and I was having to reassure Colin I wasn’t upset with him. You see, he thought he had done something wrong. We were a mess. I dropped off Caleb and stopped for gas, finally having a moment to call the boys dad. He told me the counselor had already called him and let him know what was going on. Apparently, she thought I was extremely incompetent or a horrible mother.

It was recommended that I went to a mental health facility in Plymouth and it was around 10pm when we finally got checked into the waiting room and Colin and I sat together laughing at Family Feud. When we were finally called back it took about 2 hours to get through all of the questions to determine how my little man was doing. After everything we had gone through that day, at 1am they sent us home. When all was said and done, and the right questions were asked, Colin couldn’t promise he wouldn’t hurt himself because sometimes he gets overwhelmed with emotions and scratches his arms. It had become very difficult for Colin to think of happy thought and happy memories while he was consumed by the bad ones.

We got home around 2:30 am and cuddled and talked. We stayed home from work and school the next day and cuddled some more. We thought happy thought and talked about future goals then assigned each goal and happy thought a color with which we made a friendship type bracelet for Coin to wear. When he was having trouble thinking of anything happy he only needed to look at the bracelet, see the colors and he would be reminded of what the color represented.

The next week was the first time Caleb threatened to punch me in the face. Obviously the whole family was on the peak of a mountain of stress. Caleb continued getting in trouble in school and on the bus. He continued threatening me when he would get upset and I couldn’t find anything that would help. I spent my nights with google and tissues and things kept getting worse. At the end of September I asked him to do homework one night after school and he refused. I took his phone away and told him to go to his room. He refuse to go to his room and I started moving to bring him to his room before he finally huffed off. I followed him down the hall to make sure he actually went and when I got to his bedroom door he turned and threw something at me with all his might. It ended up hitting me in the neck and hard enough that I had a long scratch from the base of my neck to my chin. I found out later it was a broken piece of plastic.

Did you know that when a child is physically violent with a parent it’s called domestic abuse? I went to my room, curled into a ball and cried for hours. I tried to do research through my tears as to what I could possibly do to get my son back. I learned that night, even though I swore it would never happen again, I was the victim of domestic violence. The only advice anywhere was to call the police. I couldn’t do that. Call the police on my own son? Maybe I should have. Looking back, maybe that would have been better, but no one should have to call the cops on their own child. I cried and cried and finally slept and woke up and went to work. About halfway through the day the weight of everything just overwhelmed me and I went to my car and cried some more. I couldn’t stop and i didn’t know what else to do and so i made the hardest and possible the worst decision of my life. I called my lawyer and started the process of moving Caleb to his dad’s for a semester. I called my boss from my car and explained though my tears what was going on. He talked to me for a good 30 minutes sharing some of the struggles he had also endured as a parent and offered the comfort that I could take the time I needed to get things taken care of. I went home, and feeling like an absolute failure, packed a bag for Caleb. I didn’t know what else to do. I took care of everything at his school and when both boys were home we started the drive.

On my way home I couldn’t stop crying again. I don’t think I could put into words the devastation and helplessness I felt. What an complete failure I was that I couldn’t even be a mom the right way. I texted a friend asking if she was home and as absolutely amazing as she is she immediately knew something was wrong. She headed home and told me to come straight there. I sat in the garage with her and her husband for hours while I told them everything that had happened and  we all just cried together. I ended up staying with them the whole weekend. I wanted to just sit under a big blanket and cry all weekend but Saturday night was show night and I had a job to do. Even though her husband had a show with his band that night my girlfriend  agreed to come with me and help me through my night. Can I just say here how much I love them both? She told me she was there for me and whatever I needed. What I needed at the time was for no one to ask me anything  or see me long enough to notice something was wrong. I mean, anyone who really knew me would know immediately something wasn’t right but if someone were to show me any sympathy I would have broken down on the spot. i was barely holding myself together. My job is to entertain people. I usually have a LOT of genuine fun on stage but that night I faked it. The whole night. One song I couldn’t even sing and asked another singer to come up because I knew I wouldn’t be able to sing the line “Another mother’s breaking heart is taking over” without losing myself. I almost couldn’t stop the tears a couple times at the beginning but somehow managed to keep my control. You all had an amazing night and my friend gave the right people a heads up about what happened to protect my act. I hid between sets and did my job but it was the hardest show I’ve ever performed.

The next day I drove the same route I always had on Sundays to pick up the boys, but for the first time ever only Colin came home. For two months Caleb wouldn’t talk to me. He wouldn’t return messages, our weekends were tense but sometimes we’d have a good moment or two. Colin is now seeing a new therapist and between that, a lot of one on one time and a healthier environment at home is doing much better. Caleb has only seen a therapist a handful of times and isn’t getting the help I know he needs. His grades haven’t improved but his behavior in school has. We’ve only recently gotten back to a good place although he still isn’t able to take accountability for what happened or apologize. The end of December marked the end of the temporary living arrangements and their dad and I had to re-evaluate what we wanted to do with Caleb moving forward. I wanted Caleb to come back home and he’s decided to fight me. I begged. I know that without their dad’s support Caleb will never transition back home without resentment and he’s decided to hold that power over me. As of the first week of 2019 I’ve officially lost my son, my baby.

You guys, being a parent is hard. It started out so great for me but now, it’s heartbreaking and devastating and I know none of us really know what were doing. The more people I’ve talked to the more I’ve seen that I’m not in this struggle alone. My friends, you, have shared with me your heartbreaking, devastating stories and I’m so thankful to you that I can see it’s not just me messing up. It’s not just me going through these horrible experiences. My hope in writing this and sharing it with you all is that if any of you are struggling with any of the same issues I am you can know you’re not alone. it’s not just you. We’re all in this crazy, horrible, wonderful life together. Let’s support each other and lift each other up. Share your heartaches with your successes. Know that you’re loved and we’re all just doing the best we can.

Carlie's Tips: We're all just doing the best we can.
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